Yes, it seems that even something as simple and beautiful as the world renowned  Rubber Fish Aquarium needs a FAQ. Every one of these questions has been asked of me so many times I've actually remembered them. So, without  further ado, let's get to the questionable questions.

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Q. Ah, what's that?
A. The World Famous Rubber Fish Aquarium.

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Q. Ah, why?
A. I guess I never tire of people asking me insipid questions.

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Q. So, I'm actually helping you here?
A. As much as a ham-sized hemorrhoid.

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Q. Well, now that we have that behind us, how did you come up with this concept?
A. Beers.

 

Q. Beers?
A. Naturally.

I was hanging at my friend Scott's house drinking and looking at his dismantled aquarium. You see, Scott travels for his job so this was the natural state of the aquarium. While he was getting a couple more beers I had a vision. A vision of the perfect pet for someone who spends more time in plane toilets than his own living room.

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So he comes back, hands me the beer and I lay out my plan. He sips his beer listening intently as I lay the groundwork for this masterpiece. When I tell him it's perfect because he gets to have pets with no pet care. I am beginning to glow from the beer, I mean, concept, he looks at me, smiles and says,

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'Interesting.' He takes another sip, places the beer down thoughtfully and says, 'In your house. Take it with you when you leave.'

 

So, that's what I did.

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As an epilogue, since that day Scott has never left me alone in his living room. Coincidence? I sure hope so.

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Q. How long did it take you put together?
A. It's a fluid being. Ever wafting. Floating. Careening. This is a project that will grow as I do. A project that will nurture me during troubled times. A friend for a lifetime.

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Q. Have you been reading sappy greeting cards again?
A. Worse.

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Q. Writing them?
A. Bingo.

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Q. How come you don't have water in the tank?
A. It's not a tank. It's an aquarium.

 

Q. Sorry. How come you don't have water in the aquarium?
A. I know you can't see me right now but trust me, I'm rolling my eyes in the direction of your general stupidity. I've answered this question so many times I have two patented responses:

 

The sarcastic - Are you sick? The rubber fish would drown.

 

And the real - Are you stupid? They'd float on top.

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Q. That makes sense.
A. I know.

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Q. How do they float like that?
A. Fishing line. Stick a sewing needle through a fin at a well-balanced location, tie a little knot, place the fish where you think it's most exquisite, give yourself a little more line and tape it to the aquarium hood.

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Q. Doesn't it hurt when you push the needle through the rubber fish?
A. Not at all. I'm well sedated by that time.

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Q. What are the fish made of?
A. Hmmmmm, let me check.

 

Rubber. Rubber. Rubber. Rubber. Umm, rubber.

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Next time you want to ask me this question, before you do ask yourself two things: Do I want Chris to think less of me again? What is the title of this creation?

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Q. Oh, okay. So, if I give you a plastic fish will you put it in the aquarium?
A. This is some kind of test, isn't it? No. I. Will. Not. Put. Anything. Other. Than. Rubber. Fish. In. The. Rubber. Fish. Aquarium.

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Q. What if I sent you a rubber one?
A. If I had the space I'd consider it.

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Q. How come you have marbles covering the bottom?
A. I add one for every stupid question I've had to answer about the Rubber Fish Aquarium.

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Q. If I gave you a marble would you put it in?
A. Considering the questions you've been asking I think it would be best if you upped your offering.

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Q. What kind of background is that?
A. They are drawings of fish from friends and fans of the Rubber Fish Aquarium from all over the world. I wanted something more than a normal background and wanted to stick within the fishy theme so this has worked out fairly well.

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Q. Could I send you one?
A. Sure. But I do have limited space so I can't guarantee everything will get on. If need be I will begin another background and swap between the two. But, let's be honest here, that's a very doubtful reality. So, if you do want to send something my advice would be to think small.

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Q. Has this ever fooled people into thinking it's real?

A. Amazingly, yes. And boy do those people get angry when they figure it out.

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Q. Could you make me one?
A. Probably not.

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Q. Why?
A. Because the Rubber Fish Aquarium is a wafting, floating, caree. . .

 

Q. Knock it off. You're just lazy, right?
A. Somewhat. But I've found it's also difficult to find cool rubber fish. When I first started this I figured I'd put an hour, maybe two into the entire thing. I was so naive. I've gone into stores and asked, 'Do you have any rubber fish?' so many times only to be let down or worse. More times than I care to divulge I've been pointed in a direction only to find plastic fish. It's disheartening to say the least.

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Q. Have you ever made another Rubber Fish Aquarium?
A. No. I have built two Rubber Goldfish Bowls and helped two kids make versions but, to the best of my knowledge, this is the only Rubber Fish Aquarium in my house.

 

Q. What would you think if I attempted to put one together?
A. Honestly?

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Q. Yes.
A. I'd think you've lost your mind.

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Q. Why?
A. When you first heard about this didn't you think I was a little well baked?

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Q. Ummmmmm. . .
A. . ..answer now.

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Q. Yes.
A. So I hope you don't take offense when I feel the same.

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Q. But I could do it, right?
A. Sure.

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Q. Shouldn't you shake the aquarium every once in a while to make it look real?
A. Oh look, I've just added another marble.

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Q. What's up with the web cam thing? Don't you think this is a waste of technology?
A. Hey, considering that I rescued them from a life of internet porn, this is quite prestigious.

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Q. Do you think we've  covered everything?
A. How am I supposed to know? You're the one with the question sheet.

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Q. Let me check. . .Oh, here's one.
A. The joy.

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Q. What's next of the horizon?
A. I doubt I could top this for uselessness and stupidity unless I went into politics so I guess I'll retire.

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Q. Pishaw you say?
A. Ah, actually, I said, 'I doubt I could top this for uselessness and stupidity unless I went into politics so I guess I'll retire.' Where'd you get this pishaw thing?

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Q. I heard an old lady say it.
A. Stop that. Use slang from your own generation so you don't sound foolish. Ya dig?

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Q. Seriously, are you thinking about anything else?
A. Beer.

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Q. Anything else?
A. Well. . .

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Q. Spill it.
A. I have been giving considerable thought to a new rubber phenomenon.

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Q. Yes? Yes?
A. A Rubber Ant Terrarium.

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Q. I think we went one question too far.
A. Me too.

 

Q. But if we have any other pressing questions can we ask you?
A. If you feel an overwhelming need click here and I'll answer your questions whenever they let me mingle with the general population.