Destination Wedding
"Guess what?"
"Just tell me." Guess who said that?
"Come on! Guess!"
"You're going to bleed from a stab wound soon?"
I don't think my answer was one he expected. Also, not knowing how serious or armed I was, he got to the point.
"I'm getting married."
"Awesome. Mazel tov."
"We're going to send you an invitation."
Uhh. I think.
"It's going to be a destination wedding."
"If that destination isn't my living room go fuck yourself."
I couldn't believe it. He was truly taken aback by my response.
Let me clue you in on something, destination wedding people, that's how everyone you tell that to feels.
Let's be honest, most people don't want to go to weddings under the best situations. I balked at going to a friend's wedding that was literally one mile from my house. Put two travel days, a day for all the 'fun' adventures then the big day itself together and everyone's pretty much at the end of their ropes before the first 'I do.' Or 'ฉันทำ' because, did I tell you? Their destination wedding was going to be in Thailand.
Who thinks of these things?
Idiots, thoughtless idiots, that's who.
Just to go to their wedding I have to take five days off work (thanks for fucking up my vacation plans), get vaccinated (it's recommended I get: Tetanus/Diphtheria/Whooping Cough, Measles, Mumps, Rubella, Chickenpox, Hepatitis A & B, Influenza, Typhoid, Rabies, Malaria), renew my passport ($110), order ticket ($420), book hotel ($616), and buy a gift ($0 - because I'm fucking broke).
Then I have to double all those costs so my girlfriend can enjoy this blessing.
Sounds like a blast, doesn't it?
I don't know who started this trend but I'd like to jam a demitasse cup down their throat then spear them repeatedly with a hockey stick in an ineffectual Heimlich Maneuver. I have the demitasse cup and hockey stick so I'm just waiting for that name.
Okay, maybe at first it wasn't a terrible idea. Take the red eye to Vegas, watch them get hitched by an Ozzy Osbourne impersonator (or maybe the real guy you can't be too sure), hit the tables, get hammered and head back to work by Monday.
But that wasn't enough for you. You had to do something different, you had to make it an event, you had to piss off ever last person you know because that last part is what makes it special. You had to make memories.
Which seems odd because everyone knows every wedding day has memories. It doesn't matter if it happens at the Legion hall or the place where you can still catch Legionnaires' disease because you know weird uncle Al is going to get hammered and mention the time you pissed on him at the circus.
The real issue is how competitive destination weddings are. I was listening to a woman talk abut it and this is what she said,
"I was just going to have a wedding at our summer place but then Melissa (she drew out the s's so it sounded like a snake) created a destination wedding so I said forget that and now we're all going to Prague."
I asked the soon to be groom what he thought of this change in venue and he said,
That's right, not a fucking thing. Do you know why? Because he finally figured out every time he opens his mouth something new is added to the event. The last time he spoke he had to hire the Prague Philharmonic Orchestra to play at the rehearsal dinner.
Do you really have to out-do Melissa? Is it that important to get married on a beach in Waikiki? Trust me, I've been at beach weddings, they can be tricky. Stop making it a competition. It's a solemn moment where you should be thinking, "I'll remember this for the rest of my life."
Not, "I'll be paying for this for the rest of my life."
You don't want to walk down the aisle thinking, "How come people's heads aren't exploding at all this incredible shit?"
While your guests, your tired, drunk, broke guests are thinking, "I paid ten grand for this?"
