Learn Every Day

First posted on April 7, 2006

Sometimes I think it’s me. That I just hate every living creature that roams the earth with the ability to conjugate stupidity.

Then other times I still think it’s me but only when provoked.

Such as this morning. I’m not unhappy. Terry got me up early to take more pictures of the fox that’s been hanging around the backyard. I did find out I can wipe sleep out of my eyes and focus, not only myself, but a camera at the same time.

It wasn’t until I get on the bus to come to work that I realized it may not be me after all. The bus times changed so since then the bus has been loaded.

That annoys some people and it shows. Not that they’ve pulled out a sickle and swashed some buckles, if you get my drift, but the whining and bitching about how crowded it’s become hums over the sputtering engine.

We get to a stop two stops from my office. Many times you’d think that would be a good thing. At least I can lock myself in the office, alone, for some time. Ease into my day. Center myself clearly below the sharpened pendulum of psychosis that is my day.

But nothing could be further from the truth. Recently, a ‘luxury apartment building’ opened at this stop at what used to be a rock quarry. Yeah, nothing says luxury more than living at Slate Rock and Gravel. To say nothing about what I know about what lies under there.

These people don’t look at this as if it’s public transportation. To them it’s a limo they have to share with a horde of drunken bridesmaids. The expressions that pass their faces when they come to the conclusion, for the eighty-sixth straight day, there is no seat for them is a combination of disgust at the imagined smell (most days it’s imagined. There is this one guy. . .) and a sense of entitlement because they live in their own little cartoon world.

So, instead of listening to the sullen browed, bruise assed driver scream, “Move into the bus! I’m not goin’ anywhere until you move into the bus!” They constipate at the door. I’d have to assume this causes quite a problem for the people a stop or two past mine because it’s a major connection. But I don’t care about that. Once I exit, they can crawl over each other like rabid middle managers who heard they’re giving away palmOne Tungsten T Handhelds in the back.

But I do care about my stop. I like it to be smooth and simple. And it can be. If everyone listens carefully and follows specifically my one, simple statement.

“Excuse me.”

I say to the first person I see. Usually that’s pretty effective and polite. People like that. Not a lot of chatter to interrupt their phone calls. They also see it at an opportunity to sit their asses down for an additional twenty minutes in their day. Pretty much a win for everyone. Some space opens up so their backpacks, valises, water bottles and food containers (and that’s just the average about of items these urban sherpas carry) aren’t being infected by the touch of another.

I continue my simple statement as I move through the crowd. Most times this goes well. I’ll look right at someone when I’m about to pass them and they usually won’t make eye contact. I like that. Less chance of them picking me out of a line-up. Sometimes I have to ask someone twice because they fake move. That’s where they adjust their steamer trunk a millimeter but don’t move at all. They turn and give me the old, ‘I can’t go no more, Cap’n! There’s logjam up ahead!’ shrug.

That’s okay, my shiny eyes and happy smile respond as I step in placing my hip at a spot where, with the right touch, I can cause a moment of unbalance which opens up a space for me to pass. Hey look! An opening! Who says you can’t take hockey training off ice?

Doing that once usually allows me unfettered movement through the rest of the bus. For months. But today there was a new obstacle. A woman. They’re a different breed altogether. When you spin a guy larger than you there’s very little he’ll do about it. I’m already gone by the time he finds his phone to call his personal space invasion counselor. But a woman who feels it is her right to splay herself from one side of the bus to the other takes gentle handling.

Many times they will give you enough space to pass if you’re a popsicle stick. That’s fine for me. My experience tells me openings get bigger over time. Stretch out, as it were. But today, even before I was two feet from her, I knew something was going to be different about this woman. I noticed that, as she saw me coming, she turned her back to me, firmly planted her feet and leaned backwards causing her backpack to take over more space. In the middle of the door I was going to use to exit. No problem. I can be charming.

“Excuse me!” I happily chirp to her.

“I’m on the phone!” She snaps her head back, her jaw unhinges, and unholy vocal elves screech from her nether region. The two men along side of her look at me with the, ‘I, I, I’m not with her!’ expression to keep them from disaster. I smile at them knowing they are innocent. But, depending on how this goes, I’m never above collecting collateral damage. I wait. I’m not an ogre. Hell, I’m only going to work and the door isn’t even opened yet.

Ding! The door slides into the open position. To stop being hit by the door she has to step away. Instead of stepping back into the space vacated by the two guys, she takes up even more of the doorway. I look at the people around and a couple of them are smirking. I smile to the back of the woman’s head and say,

“Excuse me, ma’am!”

“Will you give me a minute! I’m busy here!”

A little grumbling from people ripples down the bus. The two guys have backed off even further. I take a deep breath. The bus driver calls back asking if anyone is going to get off the bus. A few people can be heard expressing their opinions clearly. But this woman is still on the phone and still impeding the progress of the workforce at large.

I lean in to this woman choosing the ear she’s not busy using and say,

“I don’t know how bad your day is going.” She hears this interruption during her busy day and snaps her head toward me. Her mouth opens. The demon spawn begins to climb out. It takes one look at my now not so cheerful face and retreats. “But, I do know how bad it will go if you don’t step out of my way.”

I wait a beat and step in. I’m not trying to intimidate her. I am leaving and if there is something attempting to occupy the same spot in the universe as I am interested in, well, let’s just say, the world truly isn’t big enough for the both of us.

“I’ll call you back.” She ends her call and begins walking backwards off the bus. I look clearly into her eyes as she steps onto the sidewalk. I step out of the bus and I can see she wants to say something. It’s burning inside of her. A retort. A rejoinder of the ilk she uses when someone she considers beneath her approaches her in a bar. And I wait. I’m nothing if not someone who will hear someone out.

But nothing comes.

Well, that’s not totally true. Some guttural, whine, shock, dismay rolled from deep inside her bubbling cauldron but it never came to a boil. As I stepped away I looked into the bus to see rolling laughter fall throughout. All I could do was smile at them as they drove past leaving her alone on the sidewalk.

That’s the trouble with public transportation. It has a schedule to keep and it’s hardly ever yours.

I continue walking to work thinking about that. Was it my fault? Could I have done something differently so that this person, a person with friends and family and credit card debt, could have a smoother day? Do I try to impose my selfish needs upon my fellow human?

Suddenly a lyric ran through my head and I realized it wasn’t my fault. If people can’t follow the simplest paths set down by the lyrical leaders of today, what can be expected of a simpleton such as myself? As I get to Dunkin’ Donuts Ludacris’ lyrics are streaming through my head,

“Move bitch, get out the way. Get out the way bitch, get out the way.”

I enter the establishment and, for the second day in a row, I sense something is amiss. But this time it’s not a prima donna. It’s an angry woman brandishing a bagel at the concerned and apologetic counter kid. It seems the woman’s issue was she felt she was being shorted on the amount of cream cheese. Although the counter kid stated, for all to hear, that she would give her another pre-package portion, this woman wanted more retribution.

“Bitch!” she screamed. Get out the way! I thought as the woman cocked her arm to throw the bagel towards the counter kid. What surprised me was how close to my face this bagel was. I could have bitten it. It did look good. But, instead, I just reached up and plucked it out of her hand.

I was actually kind of surprised to find the bagel in my hand. I didn’t even want a bagel! I was less surprised when the women turned to face me with anger pouring out of her every pour. I was even less surprised when she said,

“Chris!”

It was a tenant.

“Are you open? I have to get my TV. I broke my TV last night I got so mad. I’ve got to get my other TV. It’s a small one and that sucks but I’ve got to. . .”

“Yes,” I say placing the bagel on the counter and taking the woman’s new one from the counter. I hand her the bag. “For you, I’ll open early. Just let me get a coffee.”

She takes the bag with the new bagel, with two containers of cream cheese, and smiles.

“Okay. Are you going to be there now? I have to get in. The bus I have to catch is soon.”

I get my coffee, pay for it, wait for my change before turning back to the woman who is still chattering. I wave my coffee towards her and say,

“Move.”

And I think that’s all I should say.

#funny #humor #boundandgags #comedy #chriszell