PSA Time

First posted on August 4, 2006

I don’t do many PSA’s but there’s a reason for that. I don’t give a shit enough about you to care if you wear a helmet when you slam your motorcycle into an ambulance rushing a guy with penile dysfunction to the nearest dick doctor. So, to me, doing PSA’s would be disingenuous.

But, I’ve found something I feel needs my service. Something I’m very passionate about. A tidbit of information that could, especially if you have the misfortune of dealing with me, save your life.

Let’s say you’re dealing with someone behind a counter, in a booth, walking up to your table, basically, someone you have a need of service from. Please, do not feel the need to comment on the weather. We know it’s (fill in your current weather) outside. For many of us, we don’t live in the basement of the establishment you are visiting. That means we passed through this weather to get there. We, and I know this may be a difficult concept for some of you to grasp, experienced this environmental marvel personally. And, again, this may be difficult for some, we remember what it was like. As a matter of fact, our sneakers are probably still wet from the monsoon we had to trek through because employee parking is a mile from the building. Trust me, we know.

To be reminded by every dunderhead who walks through the door that it’s hot out becomes more oppressive than the heat index; to be told it’s freezing by every cretin with a credit card stings harder than the wind chill factor; to be informed it’s a beautiful day with a quick reminder that we’re stuck in this accursed building so can’t enjoy it puts so much swagger in our step you can actually see us vibrate not only causes our temperature to rise it makes us hate you even more. Oh, you may not think that’s possible but, again, please allow me a dollop of trust, it is. We have a torrent of hate just waiting to wash over you we haven’t even used yet.

But Chris, I can hear you say, whatever will we do to fill that uncomfortable three seconds of silence between the time we tell you what we want and you complete this task? I have, what I consider, a very simple solution to this problem. So, please, read slowly to get the full effect.

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

That’s right! Stand there and be quiet. We don’t need to hear you say anything not directly impacting our job. If we wanted to chat with you we’d ask you to hang out until our break. Has that ever happened? No. You know why? We fucking hate you. We hate the idea you think we give a damn about your thoughts, opinions, dreams, aspirations, ability to breath. Then you go and get all Doppler on us, well, that just makes us want to stick an isotope up your ass.

And we’ll do it. We’re having a special on them so, with our employee discount, it’s very affordable.

When the temperatures too hot Before you speak think then stop. On those days when the weather’s freezing Don’t say anything that’d be pleasing. But if you find that the feeling grips you Don’t take offense when we tell you to screw.