A New Holiday

First posted on September 20, 2006

I know the calendar is ripe with holidays. But today I was there when history was made. I was in the center of the creation of a spanking new holiday. And, for posterity, I will relive the creation of this wondrous holiday with you. You don’t have to thank me. But you do have to buy me a beer.

Holiday Creation Situation #1: 8:04AM

A woman pulls a 24 foot truck in front of three loading doors and asks where she can unload. I ask what her unit number is and she doesn’t have one. I ask if the 24 foot truck is full. She says bad words to me. I tell her that, at this current time, I have nothing to accommodate her. She uses new bad words. She tells me she called and if I don’t uphold my bargain she will sue me. I asked who she talked to and she said,

“Some fucking asshole bitch.”

I smiled and said,

“Sorry, we only have fucking asshole bastards at this location.”

Holiday Creation Situation #2: 8:09AM

While I am ushering #1 out of the building, a guy is pulling his big wheel, I mean, some vehicle made with more plastic but less horsepower than a vibrator, into a loading area. Well, he thinks he is. I try to get his attention because vibramobile is heading straight toward some crash poles we have secured deep into the earth. He, of course, can’t hear me because his radio is on ‘Bloodletting’ and crashed dead center into the pole. He gets out of his car and this is the first thing that dripped from his lips,

“How long have they been there?”

I look at him and can’t for the life of me figure out a reason why I would want to engage this person so I walk away. Still bitching about something he assesses the damage before getting into his car. Leaving his bumper behind. He gets out of his car, opens his hatch, grabs his bumper, tosses it into the back of his car and tears the roof liner from stem to stern.

Holiday Creation Situation #3: 8:17AM

A tenant, a very nice tenant in normal situations, has been waiting patiently at the counter while I’ve been taking care of the above situations. She’s witnessed each event in totality. She’s even rolled her eyes at some of it. I get back into the office from clearing glass shards, she looks me dead in the eyes and says,

“Would you like a coffee?”

“What kind of stupid question is that? Yeah, coffee would be nice. Lace it with some heroin and horse tranquilizers and that would be especially nice.”

She stands there for a second before I say,

“What are you trying to enjoy ‘Act Like A Moron Day’? Get your ass moving and get me the damn coffee.”

She turns toward the door before stopping and looking back,

“What about the heroin?”

“Only if it doesn’t take too long.”

Okay, so she only celebrated the day for a minute but she still felt the spirit of the thing, didn’t she?

Happy ‘Act Like A Moron Day’!

#funny #humor #boundandgags #comedy #chriszell