April 2010

Advice

Posted on April 28, 2010 | 6 comments

I don’t know why, but, when people come around, not actual friends, more acquaintances but more often downright strangers, asking for my opinion this Crash Test Dummies lyric plays in a loop over and over in my head,

“My mouth says things that aren’t so wise.”

I try not to do it (okay, not too hard but you have to admire me for trying at all) but it just flows that way.

Like a tornado made flood down Meth Avenue and Cousin Fucker Boulevard at The Busted Heine Trailer Park.

A guy was talking about having trouble getting his kid to do blah de blah de fucking blah. I have no idea it was just one more in a long line parental units not adding up.

It wasn’t anything drastic like getting him to stop peeing someone else’s pants. It was something easy like not sticking his tongue on a frozen pole or playing colonoscopy doctor with the dog.

Again, at first, I’m actually there, trying to be helpful but when the standard ‘generic’ help ideas don’t work (“Make him wear a ski mask.” “Don’t leave the sink snake on the floor.”) I start to become, oh, what is the term?

Annoyed.

You see, in my experience there are only so many ways to rectify a situation. See flaw, deduce reason, repair flaw. Sometimes it takes time to find the cause of the flaw (for instance, the kid keeps dropping fly balls. Hit him hundreds of balls, analyze action, adjust action, repeat until you discover the kid has an astigmatism. Repair. Back to field. Discover new problem. Change activity because, now that he can see the ball, he’s afraid of it) but it can be done. Many times it’s nothing more than paying attention or finding the proper phrase to motivate.

But I often find the person who asks me for advice seems to have no actual desire to repair the situation. They either want to harp on the flaw, prove they’re doing their best (when they could have been doing something they wanted to do), or they just want to bitch about the state of their life.

Either way, that’s when I disengage. Which is when my brain breaks off the chain and starts gnawing at the fabric of good taste.

I don’t want to. I never start out wanting to trash anyone. It’s just that after I’ve tried everything I can to help to no avail I wave you off like a cold Vegas blackjack dealer.

“Yeah, it’s tough, I know what you’re going through. It’s like when we threw the kid into the deep end of the pool so she’d get over her fear of being thrown.”

At the end of these situations I’m always seen as the bad guy. No one gives me credit for time served or actual help offered. Noooooooo! All they remember is they came to me for help and all I did was bite them in the ass.

Maybe we need a stronger chain.

6 Comments

Posted in Comedy

Tagged bound and gags, Comedy, funny, humor

Giving Back

Posted on April 21, 2010 | 4 comments

I know this will come as a shock but I do give of my time and services for worthy causes.

It’s not that I volunteer, exactly. It’s more like volunteering is thrust upon me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not forced community service (since my probation ended) it’s more that I wasn’t exactly planning it at that time.

What happens is I get a call.

“Chris can you do this?”

“Chris can you do that?”

And, because I’m a hell of a guy no matter what you think, say, or write in restraining orders, I usually say yes.

So I do a web site, write copy, work a production. Mainly, my only skills organizations find useful. I’m never asked to work the front desk for, I fear, glaringly obvious reasons.

This time I was asked to direct a group of talking head PSA’s. It’s pretty simple. People stand/sit/gesture in front of a camera and I capture it on the medium of the day.

I get to the studio and there are six people of various levels of renown milling about. I go in and see if there are any time issues, special instructions, peccadilloes of the stars. Pretty much they’re a chilled group.

I said pretty much.

One guy, who’s name will remain hidden in an anals of assholes everywhere, is being somewhat disruptive. He’s talking while I’m talking/he’s trying to chat with people who are trying to listen to me/he’s a bag of regurgitated lima beans in a Bearnaise sauce.

“Okay,” I say before going to each one to make sure we can get this done rapidly, “Make sure you check your script in the teleprompter. I want to make sure you get it done in one and there are no issues with the script.” Almost everyone takes some time to check out their script.

I did say almost everyone.

I notice one guy hasn’t. I’m about to shoot the first bit which means his time to do this simple procedure is over. I herd everyone away but make one stop to the person who’s running the teleprompter, someone I’ve worked with in the past, and ask them for a favor.

Let’s see if you can find the favor.

We start running through the set-ups. They’re running fast. The third guy up (because he was being nothing but a distraction) hits his spot and we roll. He starts doing his PSA perfectly, I will admit, and it’s going just fine.

“So,” he says to personalize the spot as he nears the end. “If you’re like me and sometimes find yourself juggling too many balls in your mouth. . .”

I told him to check the copy.

He was flipping out but, we’re good at this, by the time we rolled the teleprompter back, his miscue was long gone.

Wouldn’t you know? After that he was a perfect gentleman.

4 Comments

Posted in Comedy

Tagged bound and gags, Comedy, funny, humor

Just Thinking

Posted on April 18, 2010 | 1 comment

The only difference between an ex-wife and the government is the government keeps fucking you after you send them a check.

A carnival and paying taxes have a lot in common. After the ride I feel sick and ripped off.

Rocker Melissa Etheridge and her actress partner Tammy Etheridge have split after nearly nine years. When reached for comment David Crosby said, “I hope they don’t think I’m taking the kids.”

It turns out that Elizabeth Taylor is not going to marry her 49 year old manager, Jason Winters. Which is a shame because I picked out quite the gift from their registry at The Scooter Store.

A very conciseness guy I know came up to me and asked, “Would you you like to come to a fund-raising dance for MS?”

“Hell no!” I said. “That’s just mean. It’s like having karaoke for stutters.”

A kid I know is graduation high school so they have to do a final project. This kid is asking people a question and videoing their answer.

“What advice would you give kids graduating high school?”

Now I do know the answer I should give. Something uplifting, solid, useful. I don’t know what it is but I can never seem to accomplish that. He pointed the camera at me and I said,

“Never patronize a psychic with a doorbell.”

Solemn Occasion

Posted on April 14, 2010 | 7 comments

No doubt you’re aware that I can take an uncomfortable situation and make it worse. Not for me, I don’t often feel uncomfortable.

I figure once you fart in front of ten thousand very quiet people you’ve pretty much pinned the embarrassment meter.

This skill, I’m loathe to call it a talent, manifests itself quite often in my day but it seems to enjoy itself at solemn occasions.

Like funerals.

I don’t do anything bad, like try to pick the pockets of the dead guy, but things happen.

Trust me, I go out of my way to avoid people in situations like this. I was in the car listening to a lecture; I know what the evil look means; I know what amount of shit I’ll take on the way home so I keep my head down and mouth shut.

Doing that has given me time to think. Things go wrong because people say stupid things at times like that. Instead of maintaining a silent decorum they need to speak.

The thing is, if they’re talking to me, I’ve tuned them out by the time they say something stupid so it passes.

It’s when they open with it or, even worse, sneak up and drop a ditty in my lap that I react.

“Well,” this well meaning person began. “At least he died doing something he loved.”

What the fuck does that mean? I loved hockey and almost died on the ice. I’m sure if I got up to Saint Peter wearing a hockey helmet and elbow pads I would have rethought my last shift on earth.

To make matters worse, due to my protective gear, he’d probably send me to the short bus side of heaven.

But I’d make the best of it! I’d become the Jim fucking Thorpe of heavens special olympics. See? There’s a bright side to everything if you think like a lunatic.

“At least he died doing something he loved.”

Yeah, he loved tennis but I’m sure his last match left a bad taste in his mouth. I’m betting just before the guy dropped he thought,

“Damn! I could have stayed home and watched TV.”

I look at the guy and, without forethought (maybe I should implement some of that) or sense of propriety (I should check into that too) I said,

“Do you think anyone said that at David Carradines’ funeral? He loved Thailand. And jerking off while hanging.”

The guy gets unnerved and beats a hasty retreat. Which is too bad because I had others who died doing things they loved. Mama Cass*, Keith Relf, hell, I know Belushi and Farley loved to party.

But it got me to thinking, such as, what would you say at a hypochondriacs funeral?

“Fuck! She was right!”

All I’m saying is, give the situation what it deserves, contemplative silence.

Because, otherwise, experience tells me, things can go down hill pretty fast.

* Yeah, I know Cass didn’t choke on a ham sandwich, but, as long as the legend lives, the joke works.

7 Comments

Posted in Comedy

Tagged bound and gags, Comedy, funny, humor

Old Buddy

Posted on April 11, 2010 | 1 comment

I was at a fundraiser where a few comics were scheduled. I was just popping in to help out a friend. I doubted I was even going to stick around for the comedians. I had a deadline to write some monologue jokes so really was pressed for time.

I’m standing at the bar (always time for that!) when someone comes up behind me and slaps me on the back. It was a guy I knew but probably haven’t seen in double the amount of time we were acquainted. He’s an and I wrote some jokes for his fledgling stand up career. I was glad to see he was still doing it.

I was a little surprised to hear he was using pretty much the same twenty minutes we’d created. He always had trouble writing. He said he’s written bits but if they don’t get laughs right off he loses confidence and dumps them. But, he’s likes doing it a few times a month, makes some extra cash, makes people laugh so good on him.

“Do you have anything I could use? I mean, even for tonight.”

I really didn’t and didn’t really want to put any effort into it. It’s not that I minded doing it, it’s just that I didn’t have anything. I didn’t know the guy the fundraiser was for (I’m friends of the guy running it) and knowing it’s a clean night I couldn’t give him any Tiger Woods jokes I’d already written for the monologue.

Then it hit me.

Okay, hit is kind of strong. Slightly touched is much better. But, knowing this guy, it would be a good fit. We scurried around looking for something to smear on his face and some towels. Everything came together so we went to work.

We smeared a little blue, easily removable substance (I don’t know what it was. We got it from his wife) on his face and coated a hand towel with it. When his name was called he walked through the crowd wiping the crap off his face. Everyone’s staring at him as if he was just face deep in Hooker Smurf as he nears the stage.

He stands up there for a few seconds, still wiping. When he thinks he has everything off he says,

“Hi. Sorry about that. They didn’t tell me until the last second I couldn’t work blue.”

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