December 2009

Stress

Posted on December 23, 2009 | 4 comments

It was a busy day. Nothing out of the ordinary. A couple of confrontations with running around. After dealing with an incredibly pissed off woman I had three people waiting.

Two were cut and dry. In and out. Nothing to think about.

The third sidled up. She’d been wandering around during the madness but hadn’t needed me until now.

“My,” she said in a voice that screamed comforting. “That was quite a performance.”

“Thanks. What can I do for you?” That wasn’t said as harshly as it reads. I’m skilled at going from one thing to another without letting the last issue stay with me.

Many blows to the head makes that very easy.

She said all my running around must have stressed me out to the max! I explained, as far as stress goes, I’m more of a carrier.

“Nonsense. You really should take time in your day for you. I saw you running from thing to thing with a furrowed brow.”

Wrong. When moving from task to task I don’t have much expression at all. When I am dealing with a person it may start off with a pleasant smile but changes to a learned expression reflecting their situation.

This is why I don’t have touchy/feely friends. I know a bunch, but keep them at arms length. If that means I need to be armed, so be it.

They also have a cure for whatever ails ya. A little lavender, eucalyptus and an earlobe rub and you’ll be better than new!

Yeah, that’s never worked for me. I don’t have the time. I say things like,

“Fuck off, you motherfucking, cocksucking, three-balled bastard!”

And I’m ready for the next event. What’s that? A three second recovery? That’s about right. I don’t have time for soothing music. How many soothing notes can you get in three seconds? Two? Sorry, I need a little more speed in my mental.

“You really should get a zen rock garden for the office. After all the running around you could sit down massage your garden imparting a sense of order and a spirit of tranquility.”

What’s she doing? A fucking ad? I don’t have time for that either.

“Actually, I have something like that at home. It calls out to tend to it two, three, sometimes more times a day.”

She slits a wide smile.

“I knew you’d have one to keep your tranquility.”

If I’m so tranquil why the fucks she talking to me about this shit? Does she sell sand and miniature rakes?

“Where do you keep it? I trust in a special place.”

“Yeah, in the bathroom. It’s called a litter box. I’ll be sitting in the living room and hear, ‘Chris! The cats shit and it stinks.’ So I trundle off to tend to it.”

We stand silently for a moment. Enjoying the sense of peace.

“Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“No,” she says softly. “I need to go home.”

The door shuts behind her and, ah, tranquility.

4 Comments

Posted in Comedy

Tagged bound and gags, Comedy, funny, humor

Xmas ’09 Poem

Posted on December 20, 2009 | 11 comments

Stockings were torn from ankle to thong due to the frenzied maniacal throng.

They grasped and they clawed ripped a zhu zhu in two. A grandmother shoved me while screaming ‘Fuck you!’

I watched in amazement as a mother of six with an arm full of adverts furrowed brow and began tricks.

She pummeled and elbowed and smashed through the crowd grabbing boxes, leaving corpses she’d make Liz Lambert proud.

On Debt Watch , Foreclosure and Stimulus Foe. On Credit and Lay-A-Way lead by Negative Cash Flow

I just had to follow as she tore through the store and wondered what happened to the Christmas of yore?

When Families all gathered around lights every night. All faces shiny, all smiles bright as we gazed at each other in the flickering light.

I wandered all wistful to my boyhood days. To photos inside Santa’s red sleigh. Then it dawned all quite sudden that it was never that way.

The gnash and the pressure was just as intense. All the hustle and bustle it never made sense.

Like the year dear old Nana shattered her hip reaching for that GI Joe with the strong kung fu grip.

It was always such bullshit when you look at those days. Dad was always quite hammered and that uncle quite handsy.

Mom always ended up crying pissed because only she was trying. Your cousins and nephews and all their useless junk.

But it must be worth saving these traditions of ours. Or why would we keep them and make them all ours?

So put on your game face and sucker punch that twit ’cause for holiday survival it’s either got or get shit.

The Swedish Thing

Posted on December 16, 2009 | 5 comments

With (slight) apologies to U2 and their tune ‘The Sweetest Thing’.

My love hits me like a golf ball Ow ow ow, the Swedish thing She won’t listen or take my stall Ow ow ow, the Swedish thing Tiger’s got black eyes up ahead It’s beginning to draw crowds You know she hits with a pitching wedge Ow ow ow, the Swedish thing

Stop hitting me Stop hitting me please Love ain’t the Swedish thing

I wanted to run but she made me crawl Ow ow ow, the Swedish thing I set her ire, real blood she did draw Ow ow ow, the Swedish thing Here come those big black eyes Now that they’re swollen shut by her This is a blind kind of love Ow ow ow, the Swedish thing

You’re hitting me Ow ow ow, stop hitting me Love ain’t the Swedish thing

Black-eyed boy runs from pissed off girl Ow ow ow, the Swedish thing You can sew me up but you still see the scars Ow ow ow, the Swedish thing Tiger’s got black eyes up ahead It’s beginning to draw crowds Ours was a stormy kind of love Ow ow ow, the Swedish thing Ow ow ow, the Swedish thing Ow ow ow, the Swedish thing Ow ow ow, the Swedish thing

5 Comments

Posted in Comedy

Tagged bound and gags, Comedy, funny, humor, tiger, tiger woods

Monologue

Posted on December 13, 2009 | 5 comments

Two white guys are talking. . .correction. . .one white guy is talking the other is thinking of all the interesting things one can do to a human with a meat thermometer.

Trust me, that process alone can keep me busy for hours.

It’s funny to me when people talk rapid fire. I’m talking no space between words and the bare minimum between sentences.

They tend to repeat themselves. But that’s a good thing because, as they say, lies change in the telling whereas the truth doesn’t.

This guy’s father didn’t drink. Sixteen minutes later (that is the exact time when this transpired) his father was a little bit of a drinker. That’s just one example but there were others.

At the twenty-two minute mark my girlfriend comes in. I figure this will make him begin to wrap up (after all, he’s told me he’s the kind of guy who won’t swear in front of women and he’s been getting in a few). But he doesn’t. And he continues to swear within earshot of my girlfriend.

For another fifteen minutes. For those keeping track, that’s thirty-seven minutes of rapid fire word spewing.

And I’m stilling thinking of new things to do with a meat thermometer.

That’s when another customer came in I had to take care of. I walk past my girlfriend who thinks, due to the silence, the guy has also moved on.

“I didn’t heard you say one word.” She says as I walk past.

“Shhh. He’s still here.”

I go back and try to wrestle the conversation away from him. I’ve heard all about his fucked up life and, frankly, don’t give a fuck. He’s blaming his entirely fucked up life on his mother hitting him.

Once.

All the trouble, all his mistakes, all the things that haven’t worked out in his life are placed at the foot of the one time his mother hit him.

He begins to start in but this time I’m prepared.

“Oh, come on, you got hit once when you were twelve which is, what? Over forty years ago? My Mother hit me all the time and I turned out okay. As a matter of fact, she hit me so often I can remember the phrase she’d say just before the beatings would commence. She’d say,

‘You keep this up and, I swear, one day I’m gonna beat the black off of you!'”

I know it’s evil but, boy it’s fun to watch as his stumble bum brain shorts to a stop.

#funny #humor #boundandgags #comedy #chriszell