July 2007

Steroids

Posted on July 27, 2008

Because I was a pro tennis player sometimes friends want me to talk to their kids about how much work you have to put into it and the possibility you’ll actually make it in any sport as a pro.

This kid was unimpressed with my talk. I watched him play his chosen sport (baseball) and talked to his coach.

We were both under the impression that, at best, he’d be a minor league lifer but could get a good college education. You’d be surprised how often a free or pretty free college ride isn’t good enough. Many people don’t see the step all they see is the staircase.

He had good stuff (I caught him for a few minutes) but nothing special. He also didn’t put the time in. The kid had this idea that steroids may be a quick fix. I said he’d be better off not starting because 1) it’s illegal 2) won’t help him go pro 3) all he’d get out of it was back acne and baby balls.

Which, I had to point out, although not things you really want, Back Acne & Baby Balls would be a great name for a band.

The Talker

Posted on July 25, 2008

We were out having a couple of drinks after some yard work at an establishment down the street. Over the winter the place had a fire and this was, unbeknownst to us, the second day they’ve been re-opened. Needless to say, the place was full with well-wishers.

A couple we recognized (but have never spoken to) were finishing their dinner. We nodded at each other like people who’ve seen each other but don’t care to go any further (you know, civilized people) do. After they exited the seat next to my girlfriend stayed empty for a few minutes.

And then he arrived.

Your prototypical conversationalist. He arrived alone, would leave alone, but would make his presence known by all within earshot. And, trust me, that would be just about everyone. Even in this noisy, crowded venue, with it’s gaggle of aging (and aged) frat boys and dollop of pseudo-hipsters (playing all the mope rock the jukebox would allow before shorting out it’s own CPU) he would be heard above it all.

He engaged my girlfriend once or twice (each time she’d turn to sip her drink he’d take that as an opportunity) before she was done with him. Being someone who can hold her own (he asked what her drink tasted like and she replied, ‘If you’re that curious buy one, you cheap fuck.’) I left them to their own devices.

It wasn’t until he joined in on a conversation she and I were having that I decided to get in the game.

“What is the name of that drink?” He asked her. She answered while turning her back fully towards him. If you think that would stop a talker you are sadly misinformed. He did a lame joke that caused us both to droop our heads in deference to the comedy gawds for being in the presence of such a poor comedic rendering.

He then decided to tell us how many wacky named drinks he’s encountered. I listen to one or two before interjecting. Happy to have engagement (remember, he doesn’t know me. I think this is how serial killers lure their victims) he gives me his full attention.

“Have you heard of the Annoying Fuck?” I ask. I could tell he was searching his database but was coming up empty.

“No,” he responds happily. “What’s in it?”

“You.”

#funny #humor #boundandgags #comedy #chriszell