July 2011
- Chris Zell
- Dec 29, 2017
- 2 min read
If I were. . .
Posted on July 30, 2011 | Leave a comment
. . .to open a pharmacy I’d name it Gateway Drugs.
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Posted in Comedy
Tagged bound and gags, Comedy, funny, humor
Orange
Posted on July 28, 2011 | Leave a comment
You can’t rhyme orange. Even though range is in it. So just fuck that bitch!
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Posted in Comedy
Tagged bound and gags, Comedy, funny, humor
I was attempting. . .
Posted on July 20, 2011 | 3 comments
. . .to explain a not very difficult piece of legalese to a person. The problem was they didn’t seem to grasp it. I don’t know if the words I used were too large. I didn’t think they were but they had to be used in this situation exactly for legal reasons.
After frustrating the person a couple of times, comfortable that I covered my legal ass in my attempt, I tried to render this simplistic set of doctrine into an even simpler form.
Then simpler even still.
Finally, because, even I, who can digest utter disdain into a glance, could prune no further, I had to give up.
“I’m sorry but, if what we’ve just covered cannot suitably explain this legal document, I cannot allow you to sign it.”
It’s that simple. If you do not understand me during a legal proceeding, for whatever reason, I, in all good conscience, cannot allow you to proceed.
“Are you insulting me?” I’m asked.
“Not at all,” I explain. “If I were going to insult you I’d be sure to use words you would definitely understand.”
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Posted in Comedy
Tagged bound and gags, Comedy, funny, humor
Opinions Vary
Posted on July 16, 2011 | 2 comments
A big loud woman was being her description as she kept repeating,
“Guys are scared of me! Guys are scared of me!” She made her way to me and repeated her mantra. I looked at her for a second, smiled then said,
“I beg to differ. Guys are repelled by you.”
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Posted in Comedy
Tagged bound and gags, Comedy, funny, humor
How quickly things change
Posted on July 6, 2011 | Leave a comment
Someone came up to me yesterday when I was running around work and said,
“You should smile.”
You should bleed from back lesions, I thought.
“Why such a bad mood?”
Until he said it I didn’t even know I was in a bad mood. Just going about my day not having a thought in my head about damaging a fellow human. But that quickly changed.
“It’s been a tough day. Our gerbil died.”
It’s a fucking gerbil we don’t even own but this guy reacted as if it was a true tragedy.
“It was his own fault. He choked out during auto-erotic asphyxiation.”
It just goes to show, people can get in a bad mood at the drop of a hat.
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