October 2012

‘The Question’

Posted on October 30, 2012 | 1 comment

You know what I hate most about this time of the year?

Yes, ‘the question’.

“What costume are you going to wear this year?”

Why would you ask a grown ass man that? Especially me? But it doesn’t seem to stop some. Most times I’m as nice as I can be,

“Stop asking me stupid questions or I’ll think even less of you.”

But sometimes I tend to land of the not as nice as I can be side of the conversation. Like this morning when, in response to ‘the question’, I said,

“I told myself I’d go as the next asshole who asked me that so I guess I’m going to have to go as you.”

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Tagged bound and gags, Comedy, funny, halloween, humor

Zell, Like Machete, Does Not Text.

Posted on October 24, 2012 | 7 comments

Don’t get me wrong, email is my friend. It’s the best way to communicate because it decreases the number of words people get to spit into my ear hole. But standing there with a phone (a telephonic device created to speak into) and typing on a keyboard made for a mouse is the height of lunacy. I know it’s because people love to be busy and nothing whiles away the hours then typing, “Hey! What are you donging tonight.”

Followed by the message. “DOING! I meant dogging. DOING! I meant doing. Fucking smart fill.” on their cramp inducing keyboard.

It’s nothing more than make work and I’m a lazy fucking ass.

If I want to know what a friend of mine is donging. . .DOING!. . .I meant doing (damn dyslexia) that evening I will dial his number, speak words into a transmitter of sound and hang up the fucking phone! Fifteen seconds! BANG! Done! Back to doing nothing.

But, alas, I am a man alone with my principals. People text idiocy like, “I’ll be there in two minutes.” That gets to me the moment they walk in the door. Is anyone else seeing the bizarre pattern here? First, why are you telling me that? To give me time to hide? To give one last thought to whether I should go through with the booby trap I set or not? No. It’s nothing as helpful as that. It’s as if the quote, “I **, therefore I am.” has morphed into, “I text, therefore I am so fucking busy and important!”

Go walk into a manhole and die your dweeb.

I am the type of person who will find the most expedite manner in which to complete a task.

THAT makes sense.

To me.

Sadly, not everyone I know.

There’s one guy (whose name I should change but I’m not because I want to publicly humiliate him), Mike Bruno, who will do nothing but text. He actually got mad at me, he called me names! NAMES! All because I called him due to the fact that I need some information. Trust me, there is no other reason for me to call him. A ‘friendly’ conversation with him as akin to eating grout. It not only leaves a bad taste in your mouth, it’s going to make you sick to your stomach (yeah, he reads this. I told you I can I was in humiliation mode on Mike). But he got pissed that I forced him to waste his dulcet tone on me.

“Just text me when you need to get me.” He said. “It’s much quicker.”

Let’s go over that for a second, shall we? You mean to tell me, Mike, you ass-eyed waste of feet, that you can type all that in and send it in the three seconds it took you to say it? No wonder you’re always late for everything. You have the time management of a meerkats.

“Just text me when you need me.” He said completing out conversation.

Sadly, there happened to be another time I was forced to communicate with this fat bag of puss. So, following his directive, I typed in a message and sent it to him. And when he got it, from the reaction I received (yes, more name calling) he did not appreciate the directness of my text message.

I don’t know why he got so angry. My text just said,

“Call me.”

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Posted in Comedy

Tagged bound and gags, Comedy, funny, humor

Technology doesn’t. . .

Posted on October 22, 2012 | Leave a comment

. . .make every situation better.

A guy was talking to me about being in an argument with his girlfriend. He stopped taking her calls because it wasn’t helping. He actually turned off his phone because she won’t stop calling. He said she’s been leaving voice mails about twice a minute for the last day. I shook my head sadly and said,

“You kids these days. You’ll never know the satisfaction of taking a phone off the hook and letting her stew into a busy signal for a month.”

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Posted in Comedy

Tagged bound and gags, Comedy, funny, humor

Opinions

Posted on October 20, 2012 | Leave a comment

People are often willing to give me unsolicited advice about my work. How I should be funnier, how I should write in different styles, different formats, things that would make me a better writer, you know, things people who’ve never written anything longer than a to do list are qualified to critique.

Most times (as hard as it may be to believe) I’m nice. They’re trying to help. Listening is free. But every once in a while someone just won’t stop. It’s always that person who has the most useless advice.

“You should write something like The Walking Dead meets The Office.”

He actually said that. My response was,

“It’s been done. It’s called A Day At The Registry of Motor Vehicles.”

Finally I had to shut him up. I needed to go so I figured I’d say something so convoluted he’d be forced to wander off to ponder (or get the fuck away from me. I didn’t really care at this point.).

“Your opinion is your opinion because it’s your opinion. Your opinion is not right just because it’s your opinion.”

Ah, I love the sound of a brain clicking shut.

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Tagged bound and gags, Comedy, funny, humor

To show. . .

Posted on October 18, 2012 | 1 comment

. . .(as if you needed it) that sometimes I take things too far (at least in some folks opinions), I was asked to write a thirty second ‘comedy ad’ for a ‘fake kids entertainer.’

Seems simple, huh? I figured I had twenty minutes to kill so I gave it a shot. I guess it’s up to you to tell me if I captured the spirit of the thing.

INT. Room Day The Bobster is sitting on a chair with a guitar.

V/O Coming to your area for the first time ever it’s the kiddie musical stylings of The Bobster! Pack the kiddies up and bring them around for a fun filled afternoon of hearing The Bobster sing his greatest hits. Hits you like like:

The Bobster (singing) When you feel a little urge And you know you wanna splurge When you know you gotta poop Say urrrgh

V/O And how could you let your little loved ones go through life without knowing ratting is for jerks!

The Bobster You’re lucky for your mother and you’re lucky for your dad so if you don’t want them to go never tell the cops the things you know

V/O Then there’s The Bobsters tale to brighten a little boys day.

The Bobster Come on little boy and wipe your tears ’cause grandpa can’t touch you no more

V/O And that’s not all! Who could forget The Bobsters back to school ditty!

The Bobster It’s the first day of school and it will only get better if you don’t tell the kids that you’re a bed wetter

V/O Or his soothing night time song!

The Bobster There are no monsters in the closet There are no monsters in the closet There are no monsters in the closet They’re all ready in the room!

V/O Then there’s the hit that got it all started for The Bobster!

The Bobster It’s coloring time! It’s coloring time! So if you don’t want Your father to die Please make sure to Stay between the lines!

V/O Oh and don’t think The Bobster’s would forget to lay down a stern warning!

The Bobster Don’t get into cars with strangers Don’t get into cars with strangers Don’t get into cars with strangers And don’t play horsey with uncle Joe

V/O And his song to soothe a little kids tears.

The Bobster Hey little buddy don’t you cry Momma’ll find herself another guy

V/O And the uplifting song about that new baby coming home!

The Bobster I know we had a new baby but you don’t have to fret mommy and daddy still love you just a whole bitty bit bit less

V/O And what kid can’t relate to the time they first try out adult words!

The Bobster You know you’re not supposed to say words like that words like that words like that You know you’re not supposed to say words like that do it again and I’ll kick your fucking ass! (swears will be beeped out of ad)

V/O So get your tickets before the sell out! Come and listen to The Bobster and his entertaining musical stylings.

The Bobster Come out and see The Bobster! We’ll all have a real good time!

FADE TO BLACK

Now that wasn’t so bad, was it? But it seems to me they won’t be asking me to submit anything again.

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Posted in Comedy

Tagged bound and gags, Comedy, funny, humor

Breakfast

Posted on October 16, 2012 | 1 comment

Proving I may not be a morning guy (having already proven I’m not an afternoon or night guy) I’m entering work early but there’s already someone waiting.

“Awesome!” He says cheerfully. “I hope you have breakfast ready.” He adds bright insult to high spirited injury.

“As a matter of fact,” I reply unlocking the door. “I have a bag of egg McGofuckyourselves with your name on them.”

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Posted in Comedy

Tagged bound and gags, Comedy, funny, humor

Fingers

Posted on October 14, 2012 | 2 comments

My girlfriend and I were at a comedy club. We’re sitting outside the main stage. There’s a wood half wall and glass partition separating the rooms so it’s quieter when we’re at. A friend is on stage so she’s looking through the glass. Being short she has to stretch to see. Another comic friend comes over, sees her struggle so asks,

“Do you want ten fingers up?” He says helpfully.

“No thanks.” She replies. “I can only take two at a time.”

I bet the fucker steals that bit.

#funny #humor #boundandgags #comedy #chriszell