September 2010

I’m At It Again

Posted on September 29, 2010 | 2 comments

“I’ve been working on an integrated sub-system of rectified and dynamic aggregation for the multi-level processing of local and global modularity in the pending vortal framework.” He chuckles wholeheartedly. “And we’d already be done IF we could get those chuckleheads in marketing to see the big picture.”

“Ha! Yeah! Marketing chuckleheads!” I chuckle halfheartedly.

I will admit that his paragraph may not be exactly as stated but, believe me, it sounded stupider and went on much longer. I know how busy you are so I thought I’d take a hedge trimmer to his verbiage.

“So,” asks this man as interested in my answer as he is my taking the hedge trimmer to him. “What have you been doing?”

I know! You’d think the word would be out by now. I really don’t mind the question but I’d like you to get to it quickly so we can move on.

“Hi, Chris! What have you been doing?”

“Not much. You?”

“Well, I’ve been working on an integrated sub. . .”

“. . .want a beer?”

“. . .syste. . .yeah!”

You see, in polite society we don’t actually ask you what you’re doing to get a reply. We ask it to give us a little time to make sure the bar has our adult frosty beverage of our choice.

Trust me, it’s safer because, while your talking no one is listening to you. Some people may be fantasizing about the most horrific ways to kill you while others, such as myself, spend the time coming up with an answer to your question that will force you to listen if only so you have a vivid image in your head that will cause a psychological breakdown if you ever broach this subject again.

“I’m glad you ask,” I lie. “I actually shot the pilot for a game show. It was pretty cool and we have a good feeling that it’ll get picked up.”

“What’s it called?” He gobbles the bait.

“It’s a youth market show called Extreme Circumcision.” Here is when I have to work fast before he wraps his head around that idiotic phrase. “We pit three doctors or moyles, we were going to call it Extreme Bris but that didn’t test well, against each other to see who can do the most circumcisions in one minute. It got pretty intense. The audience was going crazy screaming, ‘go for skin, go for skin’ and there was skin and blood everywhere. Screaming kids. Crying parents. The winner did thirteen circumcisions and one sex change. He was docked two clean cuts for the snip or he would have had fifteen. We feel pretty good about the concept.”

Then I stand there.

And watch as they back into the night.

Never to small talk again.

You’re welcome.

2 Comments

Posted in Comedy

Tagged bound and gags, Comedy, funny, humor

Questions. Always questions.

Posted on September 26, 2010 | 3 comments

I don’t know why it is, what the fascination is, but I swear I get asked more questions, personal questions, than your average person.

And it seems I never run out of some smart ass response.

I’m not sure who the bad person is in this equation sometimes.

I’m standing outside with a woman I’ve known for quite some time. We’re fairly close and she’s very touchy. As she’s telling me a story someone else I know comes up to us, looks at her with her hand on my waist, standing hip to hip and asks,

“That your girlfriend?”

Why do questions I get asked often come in poorly phrased?

“No,” I responded. “Just some chick who dry humps me from time to time.”

“Chris!”

Posted on September 22, 2010 | 1 comment

Oh, I fucking hate that.

“I’m in big fucking trouble.”

Oh, I fucking hate that too.

“I fucked up big time.”

Oh, I really fucking hate that.

Turns out the moron in question cheated on his wife. The only difference is, this time, he got caught.

“What the fuck should I do?”

Stop fucking every secretary in the company?

“Should I buy her something?”

Like a home STD test kit?

“Come on! Help me out here.”

“Yeah, buy her something.”

“I don’t want to spend a lot of money. She spends enough of my fucking money. What the fuck should I get? Flowers? You think flowers are good?”

“Yeah.”

“What should I get? Roses? No. Roses are such a fucking cliche. What the fuck, dude? You gonna help me out here or what?”

This could go on forever (it seems like it already has) so I know I have to say something so this is what I go with,

“Yeah, my daughter works at a florist.” I jot down the number. “Call her and tell her you want a bouquet of chlamydia.”

“Chlamydia? They pretty?”

“There’s little else that will get a wife’s attention.”

I really should get sainthood or a better lock on my office door.

#funny #humor #boundandgags #comedy #chriszell