The Set-Up

First posted on November 16, 2006

An actress I know came in to say hi (people never remember what days I have off. Every other week I have a note from someone who stopped in to see me on my days off. If I was thismuch more paranoid I’d think they were doing it on purpose). I knew there had to be a reason for her to stop in. Many times they want me to write a piece for them for an audition that they’re supposed to write. Other times they want me to listen to them read lines and critique them. My favorite was a guy who came in because he wanted to read me his script. No, I didn’t mean wanted me to read his script. He wanted to read the entire thing to me.

Let me tell you, that filled my day.

After a few seconds of catching up (“What’s up with you?” “You know, same old shit.” “Yeah, me too.” “Okay, bye now.”) she got to the point.

“Can you introduce me to Robert?” It took a few seconds for me to remember who she was talking about. Oh yeah, Robert. He’s a playwright. We were out one night and ran into him. The actress happened by and there was a quick introduction before everyone went on their merry ways.

“Oh sure,” I said pulling my address book up on the computer. “I’ll give you his number and call to say you’re calling.” That should be about it. I’ve done my good deed for the year.

While standing at the counter waiting for her to leave I sensed the conversation moving into an area I wasn’t prepared for. She wasn’t interested in a part. Well, she was. Part of him.

I don’t set people up. Sorry. I have enough people hate me who don’t know my home number. I don’t need a pissed off actress bitching at me because the guy I set her up with stole her passport and her wig and headed for the airport and a midnight flight, ya dig?

“I don’t think he’d be interested.” I know that sounds harsh but I’d rather her get right to the pissed off, ya dig?

“What are you saying?” Indignation snaps in her voice.

“I’m sorry to tell you he doesn’t date black women.”

Now she gets all petulant. She rambles on about what a shame it is that another fine brother doesn’t date black women. I stand there for a moment and, while she takes a breath, I break in and say,

“Don’t worry, he doesn’t date white women either.”

This one takes a few seconds to fry up in her brain pan. I can see her think through the races. Just before she got to Samoan her eyes snap to mine.

“He’s gay?”

“And, to show he doesn’t have racial issues, I know for a fact he’ll date black men.”

Her lament now rolls down ‘all the good looking ones are gay’ road as I bid her farewell and get out of setting someone up yet once again.

#funny #humor #boundandgags #comedy #chriszell