Weight Loss
First posted on September 13, 2006
You know my day’s often start quite ugly. Well, often they don’t end much better. At 5:45 yesterday, fifteen minutes from my escape, the door opens. In walks the guy who left the ton of garbage in front of the building last week. Oh boy! This is going to be fun. I start right in.
“What were you thinking?”
Without hesitation he feigns dumbshit. He says he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. But there was something in his demeanor that told me it was lying. Maybe it was the shuffling of feet. Maybe it was the rocking back and forth. Maybe it was his lip licking and lack of eye contact. Or maybe it was because I saw this lying asshole at the end of his dumping glory.
“Don’t play stupid with me. I saw you.”
“I didn’t know.”
“That’s two times you’ve bullshitted me in eight seconds. Not a record but pretty damn close. And, do you know why I know it’s bullshit? Because the moment you saw me you got all guilty and pulled out of here like a bat out of hell.”
He shuffles his feet a few times. “I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to do it.”
“So, you don’t know dumping on someone else’s property is against the law?”
“No.”
“What about assault?”
“Huh?”
“Assault. Do you know if that’s against the law?”
“Ah, yeah.”
“Oh good, the one thing I’m interested in doing THAT you know is illegal.”
“I’ll never do it again.”
“Of course not! You’ve already dumped all the shit in your unit.” I stand there staring at him for a moment as he stares at his feet. I am bummed he knows assault is against the law. I really am.
“Listen to me.” I pause waiting for him to look up. “Look up!” He does as requested. “Here’s how we’re going to play this. As a tenant you are allowed entrance during scheduled working hours. But, I’m giving you a new rule and you’d better follow it to the letter of the law. Don’t say a fucking thing to anyone while you are anywhere near this building. When you drive by it you’d better go as far as to stop any conversation in your car, do you get my drift?”
The guy nods. I buzz him in. He looks up and I could see another hollow apology cross his liars lips but with a single inhale of air from me his expression flash to contrite and he went to his unit. When he left, he entered the office again and I could see his desire to speak. He didn’t. I guess he could see my desire to assault at such a level there would be no ability to report breaking that specific law.
So today, as you could guess, I’m willing a good one. I’m hoping the day is somewhat somnolent actually. I just get to go about my daily chores without undue interruptions. And, as you know, I feel all interruptions are undue.
I knew that wasn’t a chance in hell when the first guy walked into the building. I’d gone to get an iced coffee (large, cream, no sugar) and when I came back someone was already waiting for me. I look at the clock as this guy approaches so quickly that, with one more step, we would have been conjoined. I don’t know exactly if I’d like to be conjoined to someone front hip to back hip but I’m sure I’d have times of frustration.
“Can you back off?” I open the door and can see the clock. It’s 8:42. I’m not even open for another 13 minutes.
But I let the guy in mainly because I couldn’t squeeze the door shut amidst his girth.
“How ya doing?” He says jovially. It’s hard to be pissy at someone so jovial. But, if anyone can, it’d be me. I put my coffee on my desk. “How’d ya sleep?” I turn to face him.
“I made a few mistakes. What can I do for you?”
I was hoping, and it turned out to be true, that he just wanted to pay. Excellent. 45-90 seconds and I can sip my coffee in peace for 12 minutes unmolested.
At least that’s how I saw it.
The guy, on the other hand, saw this as a perfect opportunity to catch me up on his life. I wonder if this guy knows about the assault laws?
“I’ve lost 63 pounds in the last six months!” He chirps excitedly. I smile and nod. It is an accomplishment and I’m glad he’s taking care of his health. But all I can think of is if he’d lost 20-25 more could I have shut the door to stop him from have coming in. I doubt it but it gives me something to postulate while he’s chattering on.
Again, please don’t just assume I’m an asshole in every situation. I’m glad people accomplish things. I hope they continue accomplishing things all the way to their final accomplishment. But I don’t need a blow by blow of every aching pound this guy lost.
To me, this is how this conversation should have gone.
“I’ve lost 63 pounds in the last six months!”
“Cool! Keep it up. Here’s your receipt. Have a nice day.”
But no. He has to tell me his diet, his good days, his bad days, his very personal moments best left staining porcelain, if you get my genteel gist.
Finally, I can’t take it. For the second straight day I’m not getting paid while listening to someone blather. There should be a law against that! During a pause I say,
“I lost some weight too. As a matter of fact, just today I lost 35 pounds.”
The guy looks at me wondering if he heard what he thinks he heard. I stand there smiling into his bewildered face.
“I did. I can’t find my one year old anywhere.”
I can see the guy get the ‘Chris! You’re not taking me seriously’ face. Why would you think that? I have on my best serious face!
“No, seriously,” I say to show him I’m serious. But also because he wasn’t turning tail and racing out the door.
“And you can help. You’ll be out there all day. Can you look for her? Don’t worry, she’ll be easy to spot. She’s wearing a shirt that says “Are You My Daddy?” on the back and “My Mommy Went To An Orgy And All I Got Was This Stinking Life!” on the front.”
Boy! All these people come in here all the time asking me for help. But, here I am asking once and what do I get?
It should be against the law.
