Last William's Testicle
"So, have you been thinking about your mortality?" Said the always uplifting Scott as he walked into my office. My girlfriend and I laughed uncomfortable laughter. Between the deaths of two friends, the father of Boston stand-up, the great Barry Crimmins, a friends corgi and our cat in a four week span it's pretty much been the only thing we've been thinking about.
So that got me to think about the world when I'm not here. Boy, are you guys going to be bored as shit! Who else is out here proving to you time and time again just how truly not fucked up your life is? If you can recall just one story where I, single-handedly I might add, thwarted an onslaught of various mouth-breathers and mental defectives for your dining and dancing pleasure I'm sure you've felt better not only about yourself but of those who inhabit your small section of the world.
You're welcome. I can't say it was my pleasure but more of a duty cast upon me by evil overlords. Sort of like Game Of Thrones but gorier.
My girlfriend has also been bringing up what to do with me when I'm dead. My answer of,
"I don't care. I'll be dead."
Doesn't seem an adequate enough answer for her.
So I guess I'll do it here. A sort of last will and testament.
Hey! I'm sure you've been waiting for this since the first day you met me. I'm dead! Hope I didn't stink up the joint too badly. You must say you had some fun with me. Hopefully not too much fun with me after I was dead but, hey, if I floated your boat one last time go for it!
This will actually be pretty simple. For as varied and complicated a life I had this part will be a breeze. I winnowed down my life as I went along. I guess I'm not going to go back to professional tennis so those old rackets can go. I don't need tear sheets because I won't be writing about that subject anymore. Who would want articles about me after I'm dead? There's no biographer in the wings so out you go.
Whatever's left my girlfriend can do whatever the hell she wants to do. Knowing her she was selling it on ebay anyway before the rabid wombat attack (that's how I assume I went). Whatever. It's just stuff and over my life I've had a lot of stuff. But I've lost a lot of stuff too. I wasn't really attached to stuff.
But I sure did like the people I knew.
So thanks for that. I may not have ever said it but you made my life fun. Gave me a reason to wade into the putrid underbelly of humanity and reel in gory stories of a part of the world sane people avoided. Thanks for being my friend.
I guess this is where you get to find out if I'm going to allow you to empty my body cavity and use me as a pinata. No, but only because that's not how I want to be remembered on youtube.
"He might have stunk but those twizzlers tasted amazing."
Nah, even I wouldn't want that legacy. Funny though it is.
Just burn me. Simple, to the point, take a big thing and make it smaller for ease and convenience. I don't want a fancy urn or anything like that. A tin tennis ball can, preferably Penn (my favorite tennis ball because it was the heaviest) that's it. Not one of those plastic 'cans' sorry, that's sacrilegious.There's something about using the flip top and getting that first whoosh of compressed air that made you know you were about to embark on something wonderful. Sorry, plastic just doesn't cut it.
And I don't want one of those four ball cans. What's up with that? Three balls, that's the tradition. What's wrong with you four ball people? Too lazy to go after balls you shanked into the net? Need that extra one so you feel like you're getting in playing time? You sicken me.
Besides, I'm not that big so I don't think I'd come close to filling a four ball can.
And the most important part to all my friends and family is no fucking service. None. Nope. Not gonna happen. I know no one wants to go so the last thought you have about me isn't going to be,
"Great. Have to go to Zell's wake on this glorious day when I could be out there not looking at a dead guy."
Seriously, if you liked me you said nice things about me before I died. I'll take that. No need for our last visit to be an uncomfortable one. And if you didn't like me and you're just coming to gloat, HA! Fuck you! I win again!
Go to a comedy show, go see live music, watch a movie, take a walk, go play tennis, buy some of my stuff (yep, whore to the end), paint a picture, write a story, treat yourself to an awesome meal, hang out with someone you haven't seen in a while. Do whatever you want. Make yourself happy, say something nice to friends and loved ones. Be nice to those who are alive.
As far as my girlfriend, well, I'm not a cat so she'll be fine. No! Just a joke! She'll be upset. So if you want reach out to her. Go grab a beer, go to dinner, try to fuck her why would I care? Just talk to her. Just listen to her. Just be there for her as much as she wants or as little. But reach out and let her know that someone she loved wasn't actually the dumb shit she always thought.
So to recap, dead, cardboard box, fire pit of misery, tennis ball can, you go on with your regularly scheduled life.
Seems fair.
And, no, I'm not sick, so you're not done with me yet. I'm just getting dumb shit out of the way.
